Rejoice! Devolution Is At Hand

2006-05-27

Yahoo! announces “Gwen Stefani Has Her Baby” and my smart, pretty, articulate female friend began sobbing uncontrollably, weeping like a banshee and tearing her hair.

I totally get her.

It's the end of civilization as we know it.

Ok, for the benefit of certain individuals with a brain wattage outmatched by turnips by at least forty points let me “simplify.”

My friend's fatalistic reaction was first triggered by the a shocking announcement that Brangelina were expecting. TomKat, ditto.

What could this possibly mean?

A generation of SUPERHUMANOIDS with the genetic pedigree so gorgeously advance it leaves the rest of humanity looking like mass clones of pre-Pleistocene boars.

In general paramedical college course I had the misfortune to take I was lectured that the main purpose of evolution and procreation is the refinement of the species. Naturally it can be put thusly that attractive people should mate with ugly ones and evenly distribute the genes so the end product would be less hideous. Repeat this process gazillion years and ugly genes would be completely diluted off the face of the earth and as far as homo sapiens are concerned synonyms to the word grotesque would be as instinct as Latin. Or Onemig Bondoc's career.

But in a bizarre twist of faith that even Natural Law can't even wrench, gorgeous people violated the Utopian end of humanity. Gorgeous people didn't share their baby gravy with less fortunate ones. They humped equally-gorgeous ones thereby not only eliminating hideous-looking genes but shooting the gorgeous-ugly quotient all the way off to Pluto's orb. The sad thing is that as the number of gorgeous folks narrow down to a disturbing minority the not so fair ones begin to colonize even the remote districts of Andromeda.

Will this incite the new standard of aesthetics? Will overpopulation of unlovely become so common the gorgeous become the freaks? Will it be a paradigm shift where poster boys would be Steve Buscemi instead of Ryan Philippe?

Now we have Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani's brood.

The very reason why my overacting female friend is wailing her pleura out of her nostrils.

Humanity has two options: Live up to the tapering standards of beauty.

Or declare Danny Devito the most desirable hunk.